My great friend Sting (the singer) once said “I’m an alien, I’m a legal alien, I’m an English man in New York.” I feel like him now, but I’m an alien roaming in Vancouver, Canada.

The trip starting on July 1^st in Rio Dell, Humboldt County, CA and ending on July 2^nd in Deep Cove, North Vancouver, BC, was very nice.
It started just fine going south to Oakland, CA. I stayed about 25 minutes in Oakland and changed to the next bus towards Sacramento, CA. Here the problems started. We left Sacramento at 9:20pm and I really wanted to sleep because I only slept two hours on the previous night. Lucky me! I got a group of guys around me who kept talking and laughing all the time. Whenever I was almost sleeping they would wake me up. It was really bad. This trip was from Sacramento to Seattle, WA. We stopped in Salem, OR to change driver and have a little break. An old man seating behind them completely flipped his mind and was getting crazy because they didn’t shut up. I thought we were going to have a fight in the bus. Fortunately, the guys moved to other seats and stopped talking. I was finally able to get some sleep. We stopped in many places before Seattle. At Seattle, one of the guys was still there and I started to talk with him. He told me about his past life and about his change for the future. He was a nice guy. We were going to Everett, WA, so he got into the same bus that was going to Vancouver. After speaking a lot about each others lives, goals and dreams, we arrived at Everett and he left. He gave me his phone number and I promised to call one day to see how he’s doing.

A few hours later we went arrived at the Canadian border for customs check. I passed pretty easy although I have written on the form that I had food and a weapon with me (Kukri). Only about ten minutes later, we were heading towards downtown Vancouver. There, I had no Canadian money and the bus driver was cool and let me in. The second one wasn’t that polite. After coming from the ATM I only had 20 dollars. I didn’t that we have to pay the bus with the right change or have a ticket. I had none. I thought we could pay with a bill but he said he didn’t have change. I asked the other passengers if they could change the bill because it was too big and he became mad with me. And I didn’t understand why. I told to just sit down and let it be. I was sad because I didn’t mean to offend anyone. On the way, I started to look at the machine and I realized that people here only use the right change or a ticket. When we finished the trip, I apologize again.
When we got out a lady spoke with me and offered me a ticket if the last bus driver wouldn’t let in. He did, so I thanked her for being so kind to me.

Later, I arrived at my destination, Deep Cove. I went to a pizza place and ordered a nice Hawaiian medium size pizza. Deep Cove is a beautiful place as the pictures show. When my stomach was already full I decided to find the entrance to Mount Seymor Provincial Park. It took me a lot of time and pain to get there. All that happened for a simple reason. My backpack was super heavy. I think was even worst than what I used to carry on the Marines.

Finally I found the entrance. Nearby there is a mall area with a Safeway and a Starbucks Coffee. I went there to try to connect to the internet. It wasn’t working so I had to come here today. Then, I continued my walk super tired up the mountain following the road, trying to find a place to camp. After a long mind blowing, too painful for my state of mind walk, I found a nice place to camp and spend the night. Today, I woke at 8:20am, meditated for about 30minutes and had some leftover pizza for breakfast. The pack was so heavy that I decided to leave some things behind. I hide the stuff that I realize I wouldn’t need and continue my walk trough Baden Powell trail towards Deep Cove again. There I swam for a while, had lunch and rest for about half an hour. After that, I came to the mall area again to check my emails because I was waiting for an email back from a friend. Guess what?! No email back. I decided to stay for a while to write this post.

Now I’m going to try to call my friend and go up the mountain again. I’m going to continue to be an alien for this people who look at my with a huge backpack on my back and wonder what the hell am I doing!

Lessons learned until now:

-
Always check exactly the weight you’re carrying, so you don’t get surprises when you can’t go back anymore.

-  Don’t ever, ever carry your laptop with you for a camping trip unless you really need to or you have a very small laptop, pda or something similar. This lesson is costing me a lot on my back.

-  Take only the necessary clothes. You got to be prepared but it’s not like you have to take your entire closet. I thought it was the right amount, but now I feel that it’s too much.

P.S – I came here to be a monk in deep connection with nature. But I realized today I choose the wrong place. This place is crowded with beautiful women. On my morning walk, 35 out of 40 people that I saw were women. What kind of place is this?! I love it…

(Don’t say that! People are going to read this! Bad monk! Bad monk!)

Today is the last day of the first year. It’s done. We spent the last three days in heavy cleaning. Today, I spent all day inside the big house cleaning and organizing.

Tomorrow is the big day. It’s time for vacations. I don’t even remember the last time I had real vacations. I will spend eight days by myself, enjoying the unknown. I’m going to a new country to hike and camp. British Columbia, Canada, in Vancouver area will be the place. I was planning to go to Vancouver Island, but it was getting too expensive, so I decided to go to Mount Seymor Provincial Park. It will be just me, myself, I and nature. Eventually a few people will cross my path, and I admit that I won’t mind if that happens. It would be nice to make new friends.

I have a friend who also went there for vacations that I intend to visit. I hope it’s possible. It will be different. It will be freedom. It will be time to charge batteries. I’m excited. It’s time to backpack it!! Woohooo!!

If…

Things go wrong and I don’t come back…
Just remember me with a smile, I love you all.

After 9 months of daily hard training, study, writing, eating, sleeping, laughing, fighting, crying, thinking and many other things, the first year is done. Today was the last training day. Congratulations! We made it. Not only had we at the center, but all that supported the center and each one of us individually. Against all odds, we’re still here.

I feel good to finish this first year and I’m very glad to have decided to stay. There will still be many storms ahead, but as long as we know why and where we want to sail, the ship sails forward. I look forward to go to Canada for vacation and enjoy nature. I need to charge my batteries so I can come back stronger and willing fully to train hard.

The semester officially ends at June 30^th, but on the next few days before that we have to prepare everything for the upcoming seminars at the center. It’s going to be three days for cleaning, planning and organizing everything. Tomorrow everyone is going to San Francisco except Zach and me. Zach is going to stay for work and I’m going to visit a friend.

As I said before the improvements after this first year are significant. On the next semester, new things will come. We will start heavy punch bag training. Some stuff is going to be dumped to give room to new ones. Now after only the first year, I believe more than ever that we can preserve the arts and that it is possible to attain higher levels. We only need to provide the right conditions for that and make it happen.

Definition of this year in one word (or expression): Self-Recognition.

But good news not always comes alone. Today it brought a friend, bad news. A few hours ago I received an email from my brother saying that my uncle (brother of my grandfather) just past away yesterday afternoon (Portuguese time, GMT) with cancer. I lived with him since I was five until I was about nineteen. I liked him very much because he had a very good morale. He was an example to follow. Even older, he always kept very active and with a positive mind. He always tried is best to make is life better. He was not a victim of fate. He always worked hard to make is own the best way he could. Thank you for being an example to me for many years. And forgive me for all the times that I didn’t do what I said I would.

I dedicate this year to my uncle, who against many odds still kept strong, fighting for what he believe to be right.

To my uncle Joaquim, Rest in Peace.
May the Universe bless your soul. We will meet again one day on the other side.

AAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!

I’m possessed by the devil! I’m in the middle of a love and hate relationship. I’m in a mood to kill, or at least to smack!!
Coming to the retreat center a year ago was probably the best thing that I did in my life. Although this is truthful, sometimes I feel like it was a big mistake. I feel so tired and saturated from being here that I don’t know what to do. This is the right path but not the easiest path!

Since March, I’ve been wobbling from side to side. My motivation floated from the top of the wave to the bottom of the ocean. I’ve seen light and darkness. Thank God I didn’t have a weapon when I was on my bad moments, or else I would shoot every single object that entered my perimeter. If it wasn’t for some patience, perseverance and the help of my homies, I would have already quit long time ago. It has been very hard sometimes. I’m tired of waking up so early six days a week to meditate. I like meditation but I can’t meditate well anymore. I think my progress stopped for at least two months. A bad mood and smile less face has been a normal day thing. I get angry very often and I don’t feel a strong will to train hard.

The worst thing is not having bad days. The worst is that I keep changing all the time. I have a week that I train very hard and I feel like the man, but on the next week all that I want to do is disappear. I don’t want to see anybody or at least the people who live with me. It’s not that I don’t like them. I do like them. Sometimes we’re just tired of each other.
Some friends told me before that they think monks only think about themselves and choose the easy way to life. They choose to run way from the problems of society. Now, I clearly say, that my friends are wrong. We are not monks, but we’re pretty close. And if all of you think that this is an easy life, I’ll tell you that it’s not! Believe me. How many of you had to spend literally, twenty four hours a day with the same persons, for a very long period of time. You wake up with them, you work with them, you eat with them, you use your free time with them and you go to sleep with them. You see them all the time. You enjoy their qualities everyday; however, they also carry with them the things you don’t like as much. Try to imagine living in a small house with six people. All are different. Each one of them has his on needs, behaviors, moods and desires. In Portugal, if I had a fight with my mom, I could just avoid stay at home. If you have a small disagreement with a friend at school or at training, after it finishes for that day, you can just go somewhere else and do something to forget it. The next day, sometimes, the problem is already resolved. Here… you have a fight with the person in the morning and you still have all day long to face that person. You have to talk to them, work with them, train with them even if all you want to do is punching them in the face. This is real brotherhood! You love them but you hate them at the same time. These are the strings that attach all of us in a relationship of mutual dependence and common goal.

Can you imagine how many times I thought about quitting? If you asked them, they would tell you that I already said that I would quit about five or six times. On the end, I always change my mind. I’m definitely in the middle of a war. I strike with everything that I have. I fall, I get back up. I try to rest, fight a little more, and then I die. From deep inside the phoenix flame keeps burning and I reborn. Sometimes I just feel like losing the war. I feel tired of fighting. I get tired of trying to be better, of trying to overcome myself. The fight is mental not physical. It’s mental.

It’s so hard sometimes that I feel like splitting in two, wrap my hand with hand wraps; dip them deep on the strongest glue and then spread broken glass on my knuckles like Van Damme did in “Kickboxer”; and after this smack my other self so hard on the face that it would disfigured him for life.

This last Tuesday, I almost said to Master Yang that I was going to quit. I blew up. I was possessed, tired of training and being here. If it wasn’t for Tom to convince me to finish the semester and then say that I wanted to quit, the 10 year program was already past for me. I would already be prepared to go back to Portugal and continue my path not to mastery but to a world travel experience. I had already almost all my stuff prepared to depart in a trip to walk the world.

However, as the ocean maintains itself still in relation to the land, but in constant movement at the same time; I maintain my stillness here trying to fulfill my oath and my dream, and I keep waving up and down trying to be more like a peaceful lake and not as much a stormy ocean.

Please, don’t take me wrong for writing this kind of things. I’m just trying to be real and show you my reality, our reality. We are progressing. The goals established are being accomplished. In the meanwhile, deep inside ourselves we don’t all always feel good. I think it’s important for everyone to understand how we fell. Many times I write about my bad moments because I wish they’re not part of the game, but they are. So, writing only about the bright side of the experience wouldn’t be real.

Again, I want to thank all those who believe me (many times more than I believe myself) and give me support to continue here on the pursuit of my dream. Thanks.

The second semester of this 10-year program started on January 16^th and it will end on June 30^th. That means there are only a few more weeks before the end of the semester. It’s amazing how fast this first year passed. At this rate, ten years are going to pass in a blink of an eye. Some days do pass slower than others; the clock doesn’t seem to work at a normal speed.

During this period we’re going to have a few guests here to give a different flavor to the daily life. It’s always good to have different people here.

After these weeks of continuous hard training, we have about a week vacation until the summer seminars start. Because of my Visa situation I have to leave the country every six months, so, on my vacation I’m going to Canada to hike on Vancouver Island. It’s going to be about a day and a half traveling by bus to get there, five days of walking, camping, observing nature and meeting new people (hopefully!!). I can’t wait to go there. I still have to buy some gear, book the tickets and take care of some other stuff, but I think it will be nice.

July 10^th, the seminars start. We’re going to cook, clean and help on the seminars on the subjects that we train and have the necessary skill to give a good example. During a period of six weeks, six weekly seminars will be held. It will be good for us to learn more advanced stuff and also to meet new people. I really hope for these two events. I think I’ll enjoy a lot.