AAARRRRRGGHHHH!!!

I’m possessed by the devil! I’m in the middle of a love and hate relationship. I’m in a mood to kill, or at least to smack!!
Coming to the retreat center a year ago was probably the best thing that I did in my life. Although this is truthful, sometimes I feel like it was a big mistake. I feel so tired and saturated from being here that I don’t know what to do. This is the right path but not the easiest path!

Since March, I’ve been wobbling from side to side. My motivation floated from the top of the wave to the bottom of the ocean. I’ve seen light and darkness. Thank God I didn’t have a weapon when I was on my bad moments, or else I would shoot every single object that entered my perimeter. If it wasn’t for some patience, perseverance and the help of my homies, I would have already quit long time ago. It has been very hard sometimes. I’m tired of waking up so early six days a week to meditate. I like meditation but I can’t meditate well anymore. I think my progress stopped for at least two months. A bad mood and smile less face has been a normal day thing. I get angry very often and I don’t feel a strong will to train hard.

The worst thing is not having bad days. The worst is that I keep changing all the time. I have a week that I train very hard and I feel like the man, but on the next week all that I want to do is disappear. I don’t want to see anybody or at least the people who live with me. It’s not that I don’t like them. I do like them. Sometimes we’re just tired of each other.
Some friends told me before that they think monks only think about themselves and choose the easy way to life. They choose to run way from the problems of society. Now, I clearly say, that my friends are wrong. We are not monks, but we’re pretty close. And if all of you think that this is an easy life, I’ll tell you that it’s not! Believe me. How many of you had to spend literally, twenty four hours a day with the same persons, for a very long period of time. You wake up with them, you work with them, you eat with them, you use your free time with them and you go to sleep with them. You see them all the time. You enjoy their qualities everyday; however, they also carry with them the things you don’t like as much. Try to imagine living in a small house with six people. All are different. Each one of them has his on needs, behaviors, moods and desires. In Portugal, if I had a fight with my mom, I could just avoid stay at home. If you have a small disagreement with a friend at school or at training, after it finishes for that day, you can just go somewhere else and do something to forget it. The next day, sometimes, the problem is already resolved. Here… you have a fight with the person in the morning and you still have all day long to face that person. You have to talk to them, work with them, train with them even if all you want to do is punching them in the face. This is real brotherhood! You love them but you hate them at the same time. These are the strings that attach all of us in a relationship of mutual dependence and common goal.

Can you imagine how many times I thought about quitting? If you asked them, they would tell you that I already said that I would quit about five or six times. On the end, I always change my mind. I’m definitely in the middle of a war. I strike with everything that I have. I fall, I get back up. I try to rest, fight a little more, and then I die. From deep inside the phoenix flame keeps burning and I reborn. Sometimes I just feel like losing the war. I feel tired of fighting. I get tired of trying to be better, of trying to overcome myself. The fight is mental not physical. It’s mental.

It’s so hard sometimes that I feel like splitting in two, wrap my hand with hand wraps; dip them deep on the strongest glue and then spread broken glass on my knuckles like Van Damme did in “Kickboxer”; and after this smack my other self so hard on the face that it would disfigured him for life.

This last Tuesday, I almost said to Master Yang that I was going to quit. I blew up. I was possessed, tired of training and being here. If it wasn’t for Tom to convince me to finish the semester and then say that I wanted to quit, the 10 year program was already past for me. I would already be prepared to go back to Portugal and continue my path not to mastery but to a world travel experience. I had already almost all my stuff prepared to depart in a trip to walk the world.

However, as the ocean maintains itself still in relation to the land, but in constant movement at the same time; I maintain my stillness here trying to fulfill my oath and my dream, and I keep waving up and down trying to be more like a peaceful lake and not as much a stormy ocean.

Please, don’t take me wrong for writing this kind of things. I’m just trying to be real and show you my reality, our reality. We are progressing. The goals established are being accomplished. In the meanwhile, deep inside ourselves we don’t all always feel good. I think it’s important for everyone to understand how we fell. Many times I write about my bad moments because I wish they’re not part of the game, but they are. So, writing only about the bright side of the experience wouldn’t be real.

Again, I want to thank all those who believe me (many times more than I believe myself) and give me support to continue here on the pursuit of my dream. Thanks.