Did you ever felt like you’ve been lying or trying to hide something to yourself? Did you ever realize that your true self was digging from within, and what came to the surface was not what you wished to see? I do!

Since the program started many things have passed my mind and I felt many different feelings. The constant strict training routine, the morning meditations and the group discussions made see some things about myself that I was missing. I realized that I’m a big liar. Not that I lie to people, its worst… I lie to myself! I’m the great pretender. I’m the king of Masks…

I always thought that I was a complete different person. I wanted to be a virtuous person with a great character. I wanted to be a perfect person that never fails and always does the right thing. But it was all nothing but a web of lies. I’m not who I want to be! There are so many holes in my character that I look like a Swiss cheese! Let me show you some…

The Mask of Envy: I always act like I don’t envy anyone. Fake! I envied so many friends. I envied my Gongfu partner when he picked a sequence or a pattern faster than me. I envied my friend because he was more skillful than me playing some video games, like Command & Conquer, ISS Pro, car games and others. I envied my friend when he was stronger than me doing pull-ups. I envied him because he was better fighter than me. I envied some of my friends that had many girlfriends and I had none. I envied those that had the great ideas on a work group discussion either in school or at work. I had so much disappointment for not being the one and for not achieving the success that I expected.

The Mask of Altruism: I act like all the help that I gave was true from the heart. Fake! Many times I helped people in various ways because I deeply felt compelled to do it, but not always. Sometimes (probably more than what I want) I helped people only to look good on the picture. I used the help as a tool to be considered by others as a good person. I wanted to be seen as that guy that always helps everyone. We all know that the right thing to do is to help the next, but that should come from deep inside the heart. I didn’t do that! I helped people that I thought that I shouldn’t help just to get something out of it.

The Mask of Knowledge: During infinite hours discussing random subjects I tried to play the character of the wise guy. I always tried to be the smart guy of the group. Somewhere on my mind I learned to assume that being always right is the right thing. I know that it’s not possible, but somehow I can’t avoid wanting that. I would speak about any topic like I was very knowledgeable, saying a bunch of bull shit many times. I used my common sense and the little information that I have available in my mental library to judge and formulate a bunch of theories about whatever. I now realize how I was so wrong so many times. And worst, some of my friends see me as a knowledgeable person. I laugh at that. Am I such a good liar, or are they just sleeping and not seeing the truth beneath the mask. The truth is that I’m very dumb. I don’t really know much about many things. I was always a bad informed person. My access to information was always limited, and many times I blocked that access. Now I know more than ever that I don’t really understand too many things. My vision about life is very shallow.

The Mask of Spirituality: After a reached sixteen, I gained an interest about spiritual matters. I began reading some stuff trying to find some answers or a special meaning for life. I turned myself into a moralist and sold moral cheap, to all my friends. I started to act like I knew all about the truth of life and its meaning. How wrong was I! I judged their actions based on standards that even I couldn’t follow. Most of the standards I didn’t even understood well. Did I think about them enough? Did I chew them enough to reach their essence and have something mine, as opposed to have just something that somebody else said. I’m not a spiritual person. Well, first of all, what is a spiritual person? I can’t even answer that question. I feel that I understand life less and less. During my walking I always had my eyes on the sky. One day I bumped my head on a wall and I looked down. I realized that although I desired the heavens, I was still swimming on the mud.
I walk a path without knowing where it will end. I follow a feeling that I can’t understand but which guides my decisions.

The Mask of Celibacy: I always acted as a man that didn’t need a partner. Fake! I say that I can live in celibacy like a monk, but deep inside I desire some wild nights sometimes. I remember the times that I enjoyed the comfort of warm bed sheets and I crave for them sometimes. Maybe I try to tell that to myself to avoid feeling bad when I’m lonely. But, the truth is that I fell lonely many times. So many times I cried because I felt lonely. I thought that maybe I didn’t deserve it. I tried to tell to myself that my time would come one day. When my family or friends asked me if I had a girlfriend, I always said that I didn’t have time for that. I acted like that’s not for me. I don’t need it. I say I don’t care, but deep inside I care a lot. I don’t want to be alone, and I feel alone. The center is a good place to exercise my celibacy. Here I don’t have too much desire. Although, here I don’t see I still remember. Here, my memory is my burden.

The Mask of Truth: I frequently act like I’m the type of man that doesn’t lie. I don’t like to lie, but I’m not completely truthful. Once, I tried to tell only the truth, but in time, the truth hit me hard. I can’t live without lying. In this society, a lie is sometimes necessary and often the best option. This is not an advice for people to lie. This is just a fact! People are not ready to live by the truth. We’re not strong enough. The truth is hard as steel and it strikes down like lightning. I lied a few times to save my skin. Sometimes, I did it to save someone else’s face. On other occasions I did it only for fun! Was it the right thing? Was it the wrong thing? I don’t really know. I try to be as truthful as possible now, but I can’t be completely. The fear of the consequences in some cases holds me back. So I prefer silence, to say something neutral or something that the person(s) will be prepared to listen. Maybe one day only the truth will come out of my mouth. But remember this; would Neo realize he was the One if the Oracle told him the truth? Maybe, the truth and the lies have to walk hand and hand…

The Mask of the Speaker: Why does a person inserted in a group of people, constantly talks about everything all the time without stopping, just like a radio always turned on. Well, normally it’s because they need attention. I tried to hide this from myself for long time. No more lies. I speak a lot because I need people’s attention. I need to be the center of attention. I need people looking at me, listening to what I say and most important… agreeing. How good I feel when I speak something, and my “public” agrees with me. I feel like I’m the MAN. I feel that fake pride the fills my chest like a balloon. And like a balloon, that pride is also very vulnerable. When the attention is gone, or my point of view is not shared, the balloon pops like if it was pinched by a needle. After that, only silence comes.Why do I need attention? I need it because I feel lonely and I lack self-love. I need external positive feedback or compliments so I can feel good. But that is also very vulnerable and volatile. If something doesn’t run the way I want or planned and I feel frustrated, not even external compliments will make me feel better.
Now I try to be more silent. I try to do my thing and not be the center of attention. It’s not easy, but slowly I’m getting there.

The Mask of Happiness: This is probably my thickest mask. Those who know me for long remember me as a person that regularly has a smile on his face. To the outside world I look like a very happy person. All fake! The reality is that I don’t really feel very happy. Somewhere during my journey, I lost my key to happiness. I have thousands of reasons to fell happy, but I can’t. I don’t know how anymore, and I also wonder if I ever did. I have a family. I have a bunch of friends. I have good health, always had. I have money. I normally did what I wanted with my life. I am where I want to be, but still, happiness seems far away. I can’t appreciate what I have. Everything is loosing its meaning, so, life is beginning to become purposeless. One of the reasons why I’m so “unhappy” is that I don’t have enough self love. How can you love other people, or other things, or be happy if you don’t love yourself enough. I realize that I have these issues because of all the other masks that I use. They don’t allow me to reach deep inside myself. They show me the parts that I don’t want to see, and because I see that, I feel like I’m a very bad person. I don’t like it! I don’t like what I see. I have to learn how to accept myself as I am. Maybe, I need to start by not asking so much of myself. I think I ask for the impossible, and even being aware of that, I can’t stop wanting it. The day that I stop using these masks, will be the day that I attain freedom. It will be the day that I’ll be free from my own cage, and then, I will be able to fly high.

I’m a very complicated person. There are still so many other masks. Sometimes I wish I could be different, but I’m not. I have to face that and accept it once and for all. I can only strive to change with time to what I feel it would be a better personality. I’m erasing myself and writing myself again. I’m in a deep process of re-definition. Everything is being questioned, analyzed in detail and changed if necessary. After these long vacations at the Retreat Center, I’ll get out a completely different person, that’s for sure. I’m writing all this because I need to take it out of the chest. This is who I was and who I am…

Now, look at yourself… How many masks do you use? How many times did you lie to yourself? Did you ever realize it?